The experience of Manic-Depressive Disorder

(This is coming from experience of someone I know, with the permission from him to reprint. This experience may not be suitable for fainthearted.)
When I was almost in the last year of my Middle School, my heart is broken when the girl friend that I fell in love intensely demand our break-up. What I immediately did the coming day in the school is gather all the sleeping pills from home, since my parents has sleeping problems, then in afternoon I swallow maybe over 30 of them. Then I lost track of what happened in the afternoon until I found myself in hospital. For maybe next 6 months, I forgot how many times I attempted to kill myself. Just later my father almost have to hire a lawyer to fetch me from the hospital. I don’t know the term Clinical Depression at that time, it is only later when I read about Psychology then I know that term. My situation is actually more complex than that.
My first feeling is a psychosomatic feeling of heartbreaking, literally something is sank in my heart. I found it difficult to breath or swallow. Then the next morning what I notice of myself is that my face has no facial expression, and every minute in the School, my only thought is about the girl who betray me. Not even a single word from teachers has enter my mind. Then in the last lesson, I break out in tears. It does appear that however the tears I shed, that is nothing compare to the passion I have on that girl. My hope is completely broken. The next logical step is stop the suffering by self-annihilation, the methods doesn't matter.
However, a weeks later, the despondence mood turn into a feeling of emptiness and boring. I lost interest in absolutely anything include Psychology, Mathematics and Politics. I borrow books from library only to return untouched. I sleep very early but can’t fall asleep. I never had any sleeping trouble before, it appears now the trouble is getting any sleep at all. But strangely, I don't feel tired at all. Tired and not doesn’t make any different on me, nothing ever happen make any difference to me. The world is like a glass from me.
Then 2 weeks later which the usually dramatic person lost all my crowns, suddenly regain my energy. Somehow I manage to forgot that the whole love affair ever happened, and like I am free to love another one as I wish, and I am release from the prison of a damaging relationship. The energy maybe a little too much than my normal mood level since I am more active and busier than before. I found renewed interest in almost any girls I can find, and almost start chasing them immediately. Although my friends already get use to my previous level of activity, but they all consider my behavior is outside my mind. I know there is something wrong but I can't stopped it. Because as soon as this period of elation disappear, the dejection feeling come back to haunt me. I am, in a sense, to hide my pain and meaningless feeling in my heart. It is better to overdo than doing nothing.
That circle of artificial elation alternating with despondence repeated for four to five times, with the intensity of mood deviation decrease while the duration increase. That ended in my first year of University which I consciously decided to give her up forever, and openly talk to my friend about it, then attempt to pursue other relationships. What I believe is that the manic phase has completely receded, while the depressive mood still attack me occasionally until now.
I thought I finally come to terms with myself. I could suppress the suicidal thought with the notion that I can't succeed in any plan of suicide unless I am in a sound mood (which leave other a mess to clear up), but when I am in sound mood then why would I think of silly thing like killing myself? If I ever kill myself, I would certainly do it in a way that nobody can save; otherwise I simply wouldn't do it.

莊子寓言中的心理學

寫了「公主不哭」和「公主不哭,你們繼續哭」後,再看莊子少有描述人感情的三個寓言,又有所感觸。
在「公主不哭」 中,我們可以看到一個成形的假說,即人的感覺和情緒是人的情況的某種保留物,令公主哭的是,是因為她不可以活在她一向熟悉的環境,因為國家戰敗的緣故,不 得不去「屈辱地」適應一個新環境。她的感覺其實是一種對改變的反抗,是一種把自己保留在過去的環境的努力,但是莊子以為人最終還是要去適應新環境。反抗改 變是心的本性,適應新環境亦是心的本性,有時前者比後者佔優,是為不忘本,但有時卻會被人視為食古不化;有時後者佔優會被人罵忘本反覆,但有時被人視為從 善如流。心是同一個心,由不同心去出發,就看出了不同。
再看看另一個孝子拜錯墳的故事,他拜錯墳,哭過一次,感情得到宣洩,抵達自己本來要拜的墳前就不再哭了。他之前哭,亦是對環境的一種適應,因為人的覺知環 境可能和物理環境不同,因此在公主的覺知世界中,自己最熟悉的環境一定是最好的;不論它在物質上是否如別國的宮廷的豐富,正如孝子把別人的墳誤當成自己要 拜的墳。於是孝子是觸景傷情,他哭因為已逝去的親人已是不可改變的事實,情感是一種把過去的記憶保留的一種方法,彷如親人在自己的感情/心理世界中再活過 來;同理,公主哭是為離開已是不可改變的事實,情感是一種把過去的記憶保留的一種方法,彷如過去的環境在自己的感情/心理世界中再活過來。不過,哭的目的 其實亦是為了適應改變,孝子哭完以後可以再如常生活,即接受親人已逝去的事實;同理,公主哭的目的其實亦有適應環境改變的作用,她大哭一場,因為改變是痛 苦,把痛苦的感覺都發洩出來,則她會較為欣然去接受新環境。人的感情/心理世界,其實是由一連令人發生情緒的短暫過去而組成,長久的情感由個人對各種短暫 情緒的理解和反應而造成。例如:我天天和某位朋友吵架,則久而久之,我把不快的經歷組織起來去理解,得出的結論是我對此人反感;相反,我天天和某位朋友談 得投契,則久而久之,我把快樂的經歷組織起來去理解,得出的結論是我和她不單是朋友,簡直是在熱戀了。
如何有機的去組織這些情感片段?拿哪些情感經歷去組織?怎去分析理解各經歷的異同而得出結論?這個過程雖然在每一步上都合乎邏緝,但始終都有一定的隨意 性,人雖然是用邏緝去判斷一件事,但是最理性的人的行為不一定比其他人理性,因為邏緝在本質上沒有規定人要怎樣去利用邏緝。人類的理性卻不一定導致理性的 結果,正如數學不是由嚴謹的邏緝過程導出來的。
人心(內在世界)的奇妙,和物理世界的奇妙,它們的本質是相當一致的,這個一致性,就是道。